Don't walk away in silence
by LadyDemolition
Summary: Kurt lost his trust in Blaine after he spilled that he might not be 100% gay. Will he ever be able to be around him like he used to?   Rating might be higher later
1. Chapter 1

"I don't know if I can do this.", Kurt said quietly, trying not to look into Blaine's eyes.

"What are you talking about?", the brunet boy said, slowly sipping on his coffee.

"This...us hanging out, I don't think I can stand it anymore."

Blaine looked at Kurt in shock, not realizing what he possibly could have done wrong.

Kurt let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head.

"You really don't get it do you?"

Blaine was silent, looking down at his hands helplessly picking on the coffee clutch.

He let out a shaky breath, cleared his throat and spat "No, Kurt. Know what? I don't. I'm trying to help you be yourself but apparently...I'm doing it all wrong. Sorry for caring about you."

His hazel-brown eyes were burning with anger now glaring right into Kurt's crystal blue ones.

He swiftly grabbed his bag, getting up harshly when he felt Kurt's hand grasping his, pulling him back down with light force.

"That's not what I meant Blaine."

"What then? What do you want from me? I don't get why you're attacking me like that, I-"

"I'm attacking you because you hurt me for god's sake! Stop making this all about yourself!", Kurt was trying to keep his voice down since they were at a public place but this conversation was driving slowly him mad.

"You sir are a fucking hypocrite. You know exactly how much I trust and look up to you but god...I kept my mouth shut when you were telling me about your little boy crush Jeremiah and that we should stay friends. And before that, you just wouldn't get my hints even if they were neon coloured, dancing and singing "KURT REALLY LIKES YOU!"! I swallowed it all just because I want you to be happy. But lying to me about you being gay is just the final straw. You can't just drunk!kiss and start dating one of my best female friends right in front of me. Can you even imagine how used I feel right now?"

Kurt took a deep breath, his face flushed with fury, trying to come down a bit again.

"No. I can't. But if you really were a good friend and really cared about me...you wouldn't be like that. I...I'm confused and I need to experiment for myself, find out what I like so I can finally know who I am. You can't take that away from me, we're not fucking boyfriends!" With that Blaine got up, not minding to say goodbye and rushed out the café.

Tears were welling up in Kurt's eyes but he wouldn't let himself cry in public, not because of Blaine.

He quickly grabbed his bag and jacket walking out, trying his best to seem steady.

Kurt headed home as fast as he could.

He carefully opened the door, hoping it wouldn't make a sound so Burt wouldn't ask him questions he really didn't want to answer right now.

He pushed the door open, jumped a bit when it made a creaking noise and looked around to see if he could pass without being bothered by his dad.

He slipped in and was just at the stairs when he heard Burt call his name.

Kurt rested his head against the wall, letting out a sigh and answered.

"Hey dad!"

He heard his father's steps and wished he could just become invisible or just get sucked down into a black hole right now, disappearing.

"Hello Kurt, what's going on?"

"Not much...just got home and uhm...I'm a bit tired so...I'll just go to my room.", he was just starting to walk away when Burt held him on his shoulder, turning his son around so he had to face him.

"Look at me."  
>"No, dad...I really...I just."<br>"What happened?"  
>"Nothing.", Kurt tried so hard to sound honest but Burt was looking right through him.<p>

"Don't lie to me boy, I can tell something happened. Talk to me Kurt. Did this Karofsky-kid threaten you again? If he did I swear to god I-"

"No! No! He didn't. Listen. Dad...I-I can't talk to you about this right now...I need to think.", Kurt said softly.

"Ok...but if it's something bad or you really need to tell someone...you know where you can find me."

"Yeah, sure...thanks dad."

Burt petted his son's shoulder and went into the kitchen.

Kurt let out a shaky breath still fighting back his tears.

He quickly walked into his room, let himself fall on his bed and finally let it all out.

These damned tears of anger, sadness and disappointment.

He took out his phone, typing "Rachel, I really need to talk. Are you there tonight? xo 3"

Send.

Kurt wanted to tell her what was going on as well as he wanted someone to talk to.

Someone who might understand why he was upset.

He pressed his head into his pillow.

Why couldn't it just all go away?


	2. Chapter 2

Kurt was woken up by the harsh sound of his phone ringing.

He sleepily looked at the number.

It was Rachel.

He quickly cleared his throat and picked up.

"Hey Rachel."

"Hey Kurt. What's going on? Is everything ok?", Rachel asked, sounding concerned.

"Well...not exactly...I was wondering why you would ask Blaine out even though you knew I liked him, I just...had a little fight with him earlier today and...I don't know I'm just...confused you know.", he blurted it all out at ones.

"Kurt. Listen. I don't want to be the boyfriend stealer here but don't you get it? He's not gay and he's a boy who's actually interested in me for once. This is my chance and I'm going to take it either you want it or not. I'm not giving this up because you're having a little crush on a straight guy like you always do."

"I'm sorry Rachel. What did you just say? A LITTLE crush on a STRAIGHT guy...you're kidding right? I mean...I told you exactly how I feel about Blaine, he's the only one I want and for god's sake you should have seen him flirting with me. We had something...a real connection. I finally found someone who's...special. Who's like me and you really want to screw this up just so you can have another imaginary boyfriend.", Kurt's voice grew slightly angry at Rachel's insensitivity.

"What the fuck Kurt! You really are mean today. I'm not screwing this up you're already screwing this up yourself. You had a fight? Well done Kurt, do you really think he's going to like you more then? Also if he wants to go on a date with someone who's not you, your connection might be made up sweetheart. Good night Kurt." , with that Rachel hung up.

"Rachel? You can't just- FUCK!", Kurt cursed.

He looked over to his drawer where he put up a picture of Blaine with the word "courage" glued on it.

It was the exact same picture he had in his locker.

"Courage Kurt.", he mumbled to himself, taking out his phone once again.

He scrolled through the numbers, stopped at Blaine's.

His finger was resting on the call button.

Kurt sighed, putting away his phone.

How was he supposed to do this?

He couldn't just call Blaine and say he was sorry because first of all he wasn't and the chat with Rachel hadn't made it any better.

"So either my gaydar is completely damaged or I'm just plain stupid.", he thought to himself, shaking his head.

It was one of those nights where he just couldn't bring himself to sleep at all.

He was just lying there, his mind blank, Blaine's angry face flashing, Blaine's hurt look, their own harsh words.

Kurt shifted his body.

Couldn't he just stop having to be the dramamagnet all the time?

Couldn't just everything be fine for once?

He sighed, shifting his body again but no position seemed to be comfortable.

Finally after one hour of shifting, thinking and sighing he finally fell into an uneasy sleep.

The next day wasn't any better.

It was saturday so Kurt didn't have to go to school and for the first time he really wished he could.

He needed distraction, any kind, just something that would keep him from thinking about Blaine or Rachel or his 'crush' kissing her.

He knew Mercedes didn't have time so he started tidying his room even though it already was tidy, he cooked, he sewed but there was simply no way to get his mind to focus on something else.

When Burt came home he found his son sitting on the kitchen island, absently sipping on his coffee, not even noticing his dad coming in.

"Hey Kurt."

Kurt jerked in surprise and quickly looked around facing Burt with wide eyes.

"Gosh dad, do you have to sneak up on me like that?", he said, trying to calm down again.

"I-I'm sorry I thought you heard the door or something...is everything ok? You seem kind of worried about something...is it this boy?"

"Dad...you don't have to talk about this with me if you don't want to.", Kurt sighed.

"No no, it's fine. I just don't want you to get hurt. If he's causing you any trouble maybe I should pay him a visit..."  
>"NO! No dad...it's just...I might have...made up that he liked me...in my mind I mean...h-he's going on a date with Rachel and...I know this actually isn't any of my business but...I really like him...", he paused. "I'm going to my room."<p>

"No Kurt, talk to me. Did he ever say he liked you?"  
>"Well...yes but he said he liked me only as a friend because he doesn't want to screw things up between us."<br>"But that's exactly what he's doing...my god Kurt don't fall for someone like him.", Burt said, turning to the fridge to take out something to eat.

"It's ok dad really...I just fooled myself...so it's not his fault. If he's not gay, he's not and there's nothing I can change about it...so maybe...I'll just get out of his way and stop seeing him outside school.", Kurt stuttered, trying to hold back the sadness in his voice.

"I'm sorry son, just don't waste your time with jerks like this, you deserve someone better..." Burt looked at his watch "Oh, I have to go back to work...I'll see you tonight boy. Keep your head high.", with that he gave Kurt a quick hug and left.

Kurt let out a shaky breath, looking into his coffee.

He jumped when his phone rang.

Blaine.

"Oh god I can't talk to him right now...fuck.", Kurt muttered to himself.

COURAGE!

"Hello?", he answered the phone, closing his eyes, hoping he wouldn't have to hear some bad news.

"Hey...", Blaine cleared his throat, continuing, "Kurt? I-I wanted to apologise for what I did yesterday and I want you know that I really regret what I said. I'm sorry."

Don' fall for him, don't fall for him, don't fall for him.

"I-I also kinda missed you." 

FUCK!

Kurt took a deep breath.

"Don't. Get. Weak.", he told himself.

"Well...how was your date with Rachel?"

Blaine laughed.

"Why are you laughing? I'm serious...how did your date go. Did you kiss or do anything else? Go ahead, tell me now that I'm not more but your gay best friend."

"Kurt...don't be like this please."

"Why? How am I? I just want to know."

"You're playing yourself down and you're attacking me again."  
>"I've every reason to do so Blaine..."<p>

He heard Blaine sigh.

"Kurt...listen...the date was terrible...Rachel was so eager and...girly I just didn't like that at all...she did kiss me but...it felt weird not good like it did when we were drunk. Are you happy now?"

"No...actually I'm not. A bit maybe but...still do you even realise how hurt I am Blaine?"

"Don't say my name like that, it's like you would ram a dagger inside my heart...I don't want to hurt you Kurt I...I'm so sorry and I guess I just wanted to hear your voice and say I'm sorry. I screwed up I know but -"

"Don't do that.", Kurt interrupted him.

"What?", Blaine asked.

"Just...don't play with me Blaine...I don't want to be your little toy you can use all you want. I'm not a fucking doll."

They were both silent.

"I think...we should better hang up.", Kurt whispered.

"Kurt...please I...fuck, why am I so stupid..."

"Leave it Blaine...just leave it."

"I'm so sorry. I guess I'm just a fool like that. I don't know anything about...love."  
>"Blaine...please just...let it be. I'll see you on monday. Bye."<p>

"Kurt, please don't hang u-"

Kurt hung up, he just couldn't take any more.  
>The last thing he wanted to be was some boytoy for Blaine so he decided to avoid any further contact.<p>

It just was no good for him and destroyed his already fragile person even more.

He should try to forget Blaine and that was a fact.


	3. Chapter 3

Kurt's sunday was a typical sunday.

Lazy and boring.

He was still trying to suppress the need to call Blaine and kept pushing these kinds of thoughts aside as good as he was able to.

His stomach felt weird, ached and it just didn't stop.

He tried to eat something but stopped right after the first bite, otherwise he probably would've thrown up.

He tried to sleep but all he saw was Blaine when he closed his eyes.

Oh, how he hated that boy and how he hated that this was most definitely a lie.

The call they had hadn't made him want Blaine any less.

He shook his head like he wanted to shake off those emotions and thoughts.

Kurt turned his body on his bed, fluttered his eyes open and looked right at the picture of Blaine he'd put up.

"Damn you Anderson...", he sighed, putting down the picture, so he wouldn't have to look right into Blaine's beautiful green-hazel eyes.

The next morning he still felt sick.

He got up, his head was spinning, so he sank back down, trying to calm down a bit.

When he felt better he tiptoed upstairs, finding his father preparing breakfast.

"Dad...I don't feel well.", he said.

"My god Kurt, you look awful, you're not going to school, go back to bed! I'll get you some tea."

"Thanks dad...", Kurt whispered, slurring back to his room.

He let himself fall onto his bed, secretly thanking his body because getting sick was the best thing to happen to him right now.

He just didn't want to face Blaine in school.

It would be all awkward and everybody would notice that something wasn't right.

No, he didn't want this at all.

Burt knocked on Kurt's door, waiting for him to answer.

"Come in dad!", he said.

"There you go son, I made you tea and in case you want to eat something I made some toast for you too."

"Thanks dad, that's very nice of you.", Kurt smiled weakly and Burt smiled back.

"It's not a big deal...but I gotta ask you...and don't think I don't believe you but...what is this really about? You've just never been a person to be sick...and even if you were you'd still go to school...", Burt looked worried.

"No, I really just...don't feel good...so...I don't want to throw up on somebody you know.", he laughed, trying to distract his father from asking about _**him**_.

"Like I said before...don't lie to me Kurt. You're my son, I know exactly when you're lying."

Kurt let out a sigh.

"Fine...first of all...I really am sick."

Burt nodded.

"And secondly...I...", he stopped.

"You don't wanna see him.", Burt completed his sentence.

"Exactly.", Kurt said.

Burt shook his head.  
>"What did he do to you...you really don't deserve to feel like this."<p>

"Maybe I do...", he whispered under his breath.

"Why? What did _you_ do?"

"Well...I kind of started it. I wanted to know whether he was gay or not because he said he wasn't sure, so he kissed Rachel and I...freaked out a bit, because you know...I really...like him. But I'm not with him so who am I to do that...I'm so stupid.", he ranted.

"No, you're not. You're a beautiful person Kurt and you don't deserve to be treated like that, so who is HE to do that?"

"Thanks dad...but you're still my father...you'll always say what I want to hear and stand up for me and I appreciate that...but I think I made a mistake too."

"Maybe you should talk to him.", Burt suggested.

"Yeah...maybe I should some time...but not now or any time soon I...have to think."

Burt nodded.

"You're probably right...just don't let him play you ok?"

"Yes..."

Burt quickly said goodbye to Kurt, since he had to go to work now.

Kurt figured it would be the best idea to just sleep the whole day, so he cuddled up in his blanket, slowly drifting to sleep.

Once again he was woken up by his phone ringing.

He sleepily tried to regain consciousness, grabbing his phone not looking at the number in his haze.

"Hello?", he asked, his voice thick with sleep.

"Kurt? Hi...uhm...you weren't in school today...are you ok?", Kurt heard this familiar warm voice.

"Blaine! Why are you calling me again? I already told you-"

"Please hear me out for once again Kurt! Please?", he stopped him.

"Fine...but I won't forgive you just like that."

"I know...and I don't expect you to but...I just want you to know I'm still terribly sorry about the Rachel-thing. Just soo damn sorry and I don't know how to prove you this and as you know I'm not good at expressing my feelings in words so...I wanted to sing them to you..."

"Blaine...please...", Kurt sighed.

" Kurt...just give me this one chance to make it up to you...please?", he begged.

Kurt took a deep breath.

"Ok...fine."

"Thank you.", Blaine said, letting out a shaky breath.

Kurt heard him clear his throat and his heart pounded so hard against his ribcage he thought it might burst.

Blaine started, his voice trembling a bit of excitement.

" _Pretty eyes...  
>staring back at me so blue and wide."<em>

Kurt's breath hitched.

_" The colors of the summer sky.  
>The colors of the world."<em>

His heart started beating even harder, pounding like crazy in his chest, making it hard to breath.

_"If love is blind...  
>why do I see you so clearly now?"<em>

"Don't fall for him. Don't fucking fall for him!", Kurt's hurt self screamed at him.

_"Perfect vision of our love somehow...  
>you take over my mind...<br>look up into the galaxy tonight.  
>The stars illuminate the love we make..."<em>

Why did Blaine's voice have to be so gentle?

_"You and your pretty eyes...  
>you keep me alive."<em>

Kurt rested his head on the pillow, he placed the phone next to his hear, closing his eyes.

_"Pretty eyes.  
>You're the one that keeps up all night.<br>I know no one else could make me feel this way...  
>I want to look up into the milky way, tonight.<br>The sky illuminates the love we make,  
>the love we make so bright."<em>

Blaine sung with all he got at this point, trying to hit every note but nervousness was taking over his voice .

_"You and your pretty eyes...  
>you keep me alive.<em>

_As the moon shines it's light on you your pretty eyes they glow.  
>Tell me that you'll stay the night...<br>just stay a while._

_You and your pretty eyes  
>you keep me alive..."<em>

Tears were running down Kurt's face now.

The way Blaine sung this...to him...with all his heart. It just moved Kurt so much, made his heart jump with joy.

There weren't only butterflies in his stomach anymore, it was a whole wasp's nest buzzing inside him.

He didn't know what to say, he was stunned, listening to Blaine breathing fast and hard.

"Kurt?", he asked carefully.

Kurt tried his best to answer but he couldn't say a word.

"Are you -? Was this too much? I'm sorry I just thought maybe it was the right thing to do and I didn't know what else I could do to make you forgive and believe me I-", Blaine rambled.

"Thank you Blaine.", Kurt mumbled, still overcome with emotion.

He'd never experienced something like it.

No one ever cared so much about him, to sing him a song or trying hard to make him forgive.

How could he be mad at the person that made him feel so good and bad at the same time.

Blaine, who slowly began to breath normally again let out a sigh and started talking again.

"Will...will you be in school tomorrow? I think...we have to talk, face to face I mean...there's so much I want to explain to you and I-I want to do it as soon as possible because I don't know if I can hold it any longer...you really...do something to me no one before has Kurt."

Kurt just laid there in awe.

"I-I guess I'll be there tomorrow...Blaine wow...I really can't talk right now, I'm sorry.", he let out a breathy laugh.

"Ok, I'll leave you alone now.", Blaine said and Kurt could tell he was smiling.

"Alright...see you tomorrow.", Kurt said.

"Yeah...tomorrow. Bye!"

"Bye."  
>They hung up and Kurt couldn't help but just lie there, smiling like crazy.<p>

Finally,

once in his life,

he really did win.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day, Kurt still felt kind of sick and his dad tried to get him to stay at home another day but he was just way too giddy to wait any longer for talking to Blaine.

He had simply been amazed by him the night before and for once he slowly trusted him again.

Which didn't mean he wouldn't be careful this time.

Kurt was still a bit hurt and that wouldn't go away just like that, he had to be sure that Blaine really, REALLY meant it.

He didn't know much about relationships or love, all he knew was that his heart skipped a beat whenever he heard Blaine's voice or saw him and even when he only thought of him.

Kurt's breath would hitch, his chest would get tight, his heart would beat fast and strong, his stomach would go crazy and his mind would turn blank, leaving everything in a blur.

The feeling was indescribable, unfamiliar and Kurt knew that it was a very special feeling he had never discovered before meeting Blaine.

He sat on the kitchen table with his dad, eating breakfast, going through every possible conversation with Blaine, trying to push the bad ones aside, thinking about the nice, gentle ones.

But still, he thought to himself that he shouldn't keep his hopes that high.

He thought about how Blaine would trail his finger over his cheek, caressing the hot blushed skin, replacing his finger with a soft kiss, his eyes shining, sparkling, smiling at Kurt.

"Are you sure you don't have any fever any more Kurt?", his father interrupted his fantasy.

He looked up, shaking his head no.

"I just...you look pretty flushed."

"Do I?", Kurt said in horror.

"Yeah, your face is pretty flushed.", his dad repeated.

"Oh...well...no I don't have any fever but you know how my face always blushes right?", he let out an awkward laugh and Burt raised his eyebrow.

Kurt stood up.

"I've got to go now. See you later.", he put away his bowl, grabbed his jacket and bag and practically bailed.

"Ok son, see you. But if you don't feel well, you're coming back home okay?"

"Sure!", Kurt said, closing the door and rushing to Dalton's.

He entered the gate, his heart racing and he felt like he would faint as soon as Blaine would walk up to him.

And he nearly did.

When he was walking down the hallway, Blaine was already leaning against the wall as if he had waited for him.

"Hey.", he said shyly.

Kurt just smiled at him, trying to contain himself from blushing but like always, it didn't work.

"Uhm...we should probably go somewhere more...private.", Blaine suggested.

"Yeah...that would be better probably.", Kurt said, following Blaine.

Blaine held open the door to one of the numerous lounges, waiting for Kurt to enter, looking around to make sure nobody was following them.

He closed the door, locking it.

Kurt swallowed hard, his eyes wandering around awkwardly.

What the hell was he supposed to say?  
>He desperately hoped Blaine would start talking first, taking the lead.<p>

"So...", he breathed.

"Are you ok? You look pretty tensed.", he said, glaring at Kurt.

"How could I not?...especially after yesterday."  
>"You're probably right.", Blaine said, laughing softly, running his hand through his dark hair.<p>

"I want you to know that...I meant everything I said yesterday.", he started. "You really move me Kurt...whenever I'm with you I just feel so...changed. It's hard to explain, it's such an unique feeling.", he awkwardly ran his hand through his hair again. "I suck so bad at explaining myself. I'm sorry."

"Don't be.", Kurt said, smiling at the other boy. "But I still don't understand what made you change your mind so quickly...I mean...a few days ago you weren't even sure you were gay and now you tell me that you actually _like_ me. I'm sorry but I don't really get it.", he confessed.

"I know this might seem strange but maybe...I had to remember how fast I could lose you and now that I know what it would mean to not have you around me anymore, I understood that...I really like you, a lot and...can I kiss you right now?", he asked pretty bluntly.

"I don't know Blaine...I don't want to play this hard-to-get-guy but I don't know if I want this just yet."

Blaine nodded. "I'm sorry.", he said, licking his full dry lips, watching Kurt's eyes follow the quick movement, knowing that Kurt actually wanted it as much as he did.

"I just really want to kiss you, because it would be the easiest way to show you how I feel about you...", he whispered.

Kurt closed his eyes, his eyebrows frowned, thinking.

It was such a bad idea.

He wasn't 100% sure yet and he most definitely wouldn't let Blaine use him, Kurt swore that to himself.

"Just a little peck.", Kurt thought to himself. "How bad could that be?"

"Fine.", he said finally.

Blaine grinned, moving up to Kurt, placing his hand in his neck, softly caressing the sensitive skin there, feeling the other boy getting goosebumps.

Kurt could feel Blaine's hot breath against his lips.  
>His heart skipped a beat, racing way too fast, pounding recklessly against his chest.<p>

And finally, agonisingly slow, their lips met in a first, testing kiss.

They parted again, panting, eyes locked, slightly closed.

Their noses were touching, they breathed heavily into each other's mouths.

Blaine couldn't hold back anymore, pressing his soft lips onto Kurt's once more, licking along his bottom lip, begging for entrance.

Kurt knew he should pull back, shove Blaine off him, but it felt way too right.

He hesitated but finally opened his mouth, letting Blaine's tongue find its way inside.

Blaine nudged his carefully with the tip, trying to get Kurt to move it against him.

He sighed into Kurt's mouth when he slid his tongue back against his, hot and slick, fighting for dominance.

Blaine pushed Kurt into the wall behind him, hipbones touching.

Something else...touching.

Kurt flinched when he felt Blaine's erection stabbing into his thigh, pulling away.

He most definitely wasn't ready for THIS yet, regarding that he just experienced his first proper kiss.

"Stop.", he said breathlessly, pushing against the wall as if he could get through.

Blaine immediately let go of him, stepping away a bit.

"Why?", he asked, visibly confused.

"Because I'm not your little sextoy for whatever needs you have.", he spat, his eyes wandering down Blaine's body, burning with anger.

"I-I'm sorry Kurt but I wanted this for so long and...come on we are both teenage boys, you know how it goes.", Blaine stuttered.

"Of course I do...but at least I've got some composure when it's appropriate."

"Fuck!", Blaine turned around, quickly heading towards the big, heavy, wooden door, slowly turning the knob.

He tried to get a grip of himself before facing Kurt one more time.

"I'm really sorry I'm such a fuck-up...I always tend to want something or someone I can't have and screw up in just the right moment. I'm so tired of disappointing everyone and I don't seem to be able to do anything right but I want you to know that I'm truly sorry Kurt...I totally shouldn't have done that.", Kurt couldn't count the times Blaine apologised for his behaviour.

He could see tears glistening in the other boy's hazel eyes but he was too mad to say "It's ok." so he just let Blaine go.

When the door closed with a loud thumping sound he fell against the wall, his body slowly sliding down.

Kurt just sat there on the cold marble floor for a few minutes.

Alone.

Not able to think straight.

He didn't know whether he felt sorry for Blaine or if he was angry at him.

Why did he have to be so fucking confused all the time?

As much as he wanted to tell Blaine he wasn't a fuck-up and comfort him he just couldn't.

He had to focus, he had to know if Blaine was just playing him like a fool, trying to use him for meaningless sex and throwing him in the garbage like a broken doll the next day.

He just didn't know.

All he knew was that he had to catch his class or he would be in a lot more trouble.

On the other side he decided to go home due to his recurring stomachache, that made his whole body tremble with pain.

When he was finally at home he looked in the mirror, his skin was even paler and his eyes were bloodshot.

Kurt thought that going to bed and sleep forever like the sleeping beauty, until a knight in a shining armor would come by, staying forever and never ever disappointing him would, kissing him awake, was the best idea to have right now.

So he let himself fall onto his bed, pulling his blanket over his head.

"Here we go again.", he thought to himself before falling into an uneasy sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Kurt's phone vibrated merciless against his pillow.

He blinked his eyes open, sleepily looking around, how long has he been asleep?

He rolled his body to the other side of his bed, reaching his arm out to get his phone.

1 Message by Blaine.

"Of course.", he thought to himself, rolling his eyes.

He really just wanted to be left alone already.

All this confusion was way too much for him.

Yes, he had wished for love.

Yes, he had wished for a boyfriend.

But most definitely not like this, not with all this trouble and headspinning situations.

Kurt sighed, opening the message, running his hand through his unruly hair.

"I have to tell you some things about me Kurt. I'm really and still truly sorry about yesterday but I want you to know some things so you won't be as mad at/confused by me anymore. I'm sorry. Blaine."

He let his head sink back into the mattress.

What was he supposed to do?  
>Just write "Leave me alone Blaine?" or "Yeah, sure. No, I'm sorry?", he simply didn't know at all.<p>

He decided to take a shower first.

The warm water felt so relieving against his skin and he could have stood there for hours, not caring that his skin would shrivel, just being in this pure silence, nothing around him but the sound of water running down his body.

When he got out he felt colder than he had ever before because he knew he was back in reality and he had to face it whether he liked it or not.

Kurt let out an annoyed sigh, drying his body. His hands were routinely reaching for his creams and lotions, rubbing them into his pale skin.

He quickly gelled his hair up, it seemed like it would take forever for him to finish these everyday tasks but if he was honest to himself, he wanted it to take so long.

He didn't want to face Blaine, he was embarrassed and at the same time he had to admit that he really wanted to kiss him again but it would probably take a while and depended on how their talk would go this time.

Kurt got dressed quickly, adjusting his tie.

He took a last quick look in the mirror, breathed in deeply, whispering 'courage' to himself and rushed out the house.

When he arrived school Blaine was again waiting for him, leaning against the gate, smiling at him awkwardly.

"Hello Kurt."

"Hi...", they greeted and you could tell they both felt incredibly uncomfortable.

"Can we talk after school? We could grab a coffee.", Blaine suggested and Kurt nodded.

"Alright then...see you."

"Bye.", Kurt said quickly, heading to his class as fast as he could.

"Fuck, that's going to be so damn awkward.", he thought to himself.

At the same time he was unbelievably nervous about what Blaine would tell him that time.

When the bell finally rang Kurt nearly knocked off the chair he was sitting on, jumping out of it and practically running outside.

He waited for Blaine and when he saw him coming his heart beat so hard he bet that everyone who was standing near him could hear.

What the hell should he expect?  
>Blaine greeted him with a hasty "Hi." and a grin, not making eye contact.<p>

When they finally sat in the coffeeshop, awkwardly silent, sipping on their coffees, Kurt felt everything but relieved.

"So...", he started. "What did you want to tell me?"

Blaine cleared his throat, still not looking at him directly.

"I...wow this sucks, I thought I could just spill it like that but apparently it's harder than I expected."

"Just tell me Blaine.", Kurt was getting impatient, his eyes tried to fix with Blaine's hazel ones, failing.

Blaine looked away and Kurt didn't know if he did it on purpose or simply _couldn't _face him right now.

"First of all...I'm still sorry for yesterday...and the day before.", he sighed.

Kurt tried his best not to roll his eyes but nod understandingly.

Gosh, he had heard that for the 100th time now.

"And secondly...the reason I'm being like this is...well...the reason I'm so unsure about myself is that...I didn't come out to my family yet and honestly as far as I'm concerned I'm not ready to call myself gay until I know for sure."

This time Kurt did roll his eyes.

Blaine looked hurt by that and he felt bad immediately.

"I know this sounds stupid but...I don't want to be gay Kurt..."

Kurt froze.

Was he serious?

"It's not that I'm ashamed I just...you don't know my dad...I was raised to believe that being gay was something you could change about yourself and you should. So...I've tried. Many times. Before Rachel."

Kurt just sat there, stiff and the thought of Blaine kissing so many other girls before Rachel or doing things to them Kurt didn't and really didn't _want _to know about, made him feel sick.

"I'm just so...", Blaine continued. "I'm just so confused and when I noticed how different it felt being around you...I got scared, I'm not gonna lie and say I didn't like kissing you because I did but...it also terrifies me how much I liked it...how much I like...you.", he finally blurted out.

Kurt was still not moving, his eyes looked so empty.

"So...I'm part of a little experiment you're doing right now?...Rachel and I are only being tested?", Kurt said, his voice somewhere between sad and angry.

"No, no you get it all wrong again.", Blaine assured. "What I'm basically trying to say is...I'm afraid to admit I'm gay, like a 100% and you scare me because I really am feeling something for you I can't quite understand myself right now.", he let out a shaky breath.

"This came out all wrong again...fuck.", he cursed, letting his head sink down in his hands.

"No...I think I understand...well at least some of your rambling.", Kurt said.

"It's just...you amaze me Kurt, you really do. You're so inspiring. I mean...you're so sure about yourself and look at me.", he kept on ranting.

"I'm not as sure about myself as I liked to be either Blaine. Don't let yourself be fooled just like that, like everybody else does.", Kurt whispered bitterly.

He got up, leaning to Blaine's ear.  
>"The only thing I'm sure about is that I'm gay and that's it. I will help you through it...promise."<p>

"Thanks...it's just so hard.", Blaine mumbled, not looking up.

"You can come over tonight...if you want to I mean.", Kurt offered. "We probably can talk more openly then...just text me.", he said before leaving.

His head spinning even more, just a mess of words running through it.


End file.
